Joke Just Checking Up on You:yep: There You Are... Sitting at the Computer Again!
Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real depression. Just he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. Merely it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: *Andy* went to pieces?
Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: *Howie* came unglued?
Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a phenomenon.
Prosecutor: So Howie survived?
Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the side by side day.
Prosecutor: Dr. Rock, would you lot give the courtroom your impression of Mr. Striker?
Dr. Stone: I'chiliad sorry, I don't do impressions... my training is in psychiatry.
Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.
Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your offset officer, Mr. Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Unger.
Unger: Oveur.
Dunn: Oveur.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, allow'southward get to work.
Simon: Unger, didn't you serve nether Oveur in the Air Force?
Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.
Dunn: Yep.
Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.
Unger: Aye.
Clarence Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.
Unger: So, you meet, both Dunn and I were nether Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know admittedly everything that's happened up till at present.
Jacobs: Well, let'south see. Start the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, just they got besides big and fatty, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di'south clothes. I couldn't believe it.
Jimmy: Dad never slaps me around at home, must exist his coffee.
Jimmy'due south Mom: No, I've been serving him decaf. Maybe he'south but an asshole.
Clerk: Exercise you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so aid you lot God?
Witness: Ain't no thing.
[he slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his volume to slap the witnesses hand as if "giving fives" to each other]
Defence Chaser: [approaches the witness as he sits downward in the witness stand] Would you describe, in your ain words, what happened that dark?
Witness: Check it, bleed. Bro... was ON! Didn't trip. Just the folks was freakin', Man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Homes.
[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]
Witness: So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker within the runway like a mother. Shit.
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have y'all got on Elaine Dickinson?
Jacobs: Well, I'chiliad two inches taller, a amend dancer, and much more fun to be with.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Witness: No. I don't think I'll e'er become over Manlike Grande.
Buck Murdock: Oh, cutting the bleeding heart crap, volition ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I hateful, downwardly here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they're *flashing* and they're *beeping*. I can't stand information technology anymore! They're *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug!
Striker: [in the cockpit] I guess it'south in God's hands now.
Male parent O'Flanagan: [in cabin area] I'm Father O'Flanagan, and I am a homo of God. Therefore y'all must trust me when I tell you that we're all likely going to die.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: [Mary is walking down the aisle amidst passengers] When we're set nosotros would like to ask you to remove your eyeglasses and shoes and identify your head between the knees.
[She glances towards an attractive lady]
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: Between your own knees, Father.
[Father O'Flannagan pulls his head up from the attractive lady'southward lap]
[final lines]
The Bomber: I don't know if this is a good fourth dimension to ask, but would it exist possible for me to go my briefcase back?
[the Wilson family arrives at the checkpoint]
Porter: Can I help you folks?
Alice Wilson,John Wilson: Oh, yep, cheers.
Porter: Aw, is that your canis familiaris, son?
[looking at Scraps, Jimmy's domestic dog]
Jimmy Wilson: Yeah, his name is Scraps, and he's going to the moon with united states.
Porter: Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I'thousand afraid Scraps will have to be shot.
[pulls out a gun, shoots the dog and the canis familiaris falls to the floor]
Jimmy Wilson: [shouts, bending towards his dog] Scraps! He shot him! He shot Scraps! He shot him!
Porter: Just joking. Blanks, see? Scraps is fine.
[Dog stands up]
Porter,Alice Wilson,John Wilson: [laughing]
Jimmy Wilson: Can I enquire yous a question?
Striker: What is it?
Jimmy Wilson: It's an interrogative argument, used to test knowledge. But that'south not important correct now...
Steve McCroskey: Striker? Striker, Striker,
[turns away from his control screen]
Steve McCroskey: *Strike Her*!
[a man behind McCroskey punches a adult female]
Striker: Where am I going to go a slice of metal?... Out hither in infinite?... At this hr?
Dunn: Uh, Captain, I'm picking up an overheat in the reckoner cadre.
Clarence Oveur: How serious is it, Mr. Dunn?
Dunn: Uh, I tin can't tell sir.
Clarence Oveur: Well you can tell me - I'm the Captain.
Elaine Dickinson: [speaking into handset] Hullo, this is the Mayflower. Come in. Anyone?
Steve McCroskey: Okay okay. Now we're making some headway.
[responds into handset]
Steve McCroskey: Yeah yeah, we read you Mayflower. Place yourself.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, this is Elaine Dickinson. I'grand v-human foot-eight, 123 pounds. I have, uh, brown hair, blue eyes. I enjoy surfing, backgammon and men who aren't agape to cry.
Jimmy: Tin I enquire you a question?
Striker: What is it?
Jimmy: It'due south an interrogative statement, used to exam cognition. But that's not important now, mister. Is my domestic dog Scraps, is gonna make information technology through okay? I'm scared mister, somebody has to practise something.
Striker: Scraps, is going to exist fine son. You lot'll both, be just fine.
[Striker, puts Jimmy's confront in the icing of the cake]
Simon: Striker, listen to me. I don't desire you lot to do this. They forced me to cut corners...
Striker: Get outta my manner!
Simon: Help me, Striker for Christ -
[Striker, slugs Simon in the face]
Elaine Dickinson: Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact aforementioned thing before.
Mr. Hammen: And how about the fourth dimension we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?
Mrs. Hammen: Oh, that was a time. You lot got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks, you kept telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and so you jumped off a roof 'crusade you thought you could fly!
Mr. Hammen: What a bummer.
Mrs. Hammen: No shit.
ROC: Voice interface.
Elaine Dickinson: There's an overheat in the core. Please clarify problem.
ROC: In that location is no apparent overheat.
Elaine Dickinson: Aye, there is, ROC. We read a core overheat. Echo assay.
ROC: Assay confirmed. All systems compute positive.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, not from where I'm sitting they don't!
ROC: Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" shit. It must exist a human error.
[Elaine turns to the helm]
Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I think we have a computer foul-upward!
Capt. Oveur: I see.
Elaine Dickinson: Well, what do you lot recommend, Captain?
Capt. Oveur: Perhaps you'd better run it through the calculator.
Elaine Dickinson: Merely sir, I already take!
Capt. Oveur: Good!
Steve McCroskey: [speaking to the unabridged control room] At present listen to me and listen skillful. If you got any ideas, any ideas at all, now is the time. I want to hear them and I want to hear them now!
Jacobs: How about a game testify similar Hollywood Squares merely with kids? Gary Coleman could host.
Simon: My God! The sun.
Elaine Dickinson: What is information technology, Simon?
Simon: A large, fiery ball at the center of our solar system, only that's not important at present. We're heading right for information technology.
Steve McCroskey: [afterwards hearing Striker on the radio] A man - now that's more like information technology.
[to the radio]
Steve McCroskey: Come up in Mayflower 1, requite me your name and position.
Striker: My name's Striker and I'm sitting down and facing front. Why would you lot want to know that?
Steve McCroskey: And I tin can sum it all up in just i word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, dust, mettle, and G-U-T-Southward, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his pinkie than near of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!
Steve McCroskey: Would somebody please tell me what in Sam Loma a woman is doing up there in charge of that ship?
Jacobs: Well maybe she'due south got her send together.
Steve McCroskey: Heed adept. That thing is bound to come up autonomously on you at that speed, and that'south no good! It's got to be in one piece when you country on the moon! You lot know damn well that that warp bulldoze has never been tested!
[stabs his cigarette into the left hand of the controller sitting adjacent to him]
Steve McCroskey: You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!
[cuts to the cabin of the shuttle, where Art Fleming is suddenly doing a match of Jeopardy! with the passengers as the contestants]
Jeopardy Host: All right, Contestant #38.
Male Passenger: Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.
Jeopardy Host: The answer is...
[the display with $40 on it rotates to reveal the answer]
Jeopardy Host: ... the Mayflower!
Businessman: So the company'due south actually doing very well. Nosotros're just raising the figures of the last quarter, they show a forty% increase over the by year.
Dr. Stone: [looking at the patient's chart] Visiting hours are over.
Man in White: Md, do y'all think my brother will be able to come home to the subcontract soon?
Dr. Rock: It's hard to say, information technology's a difficult case. He nonetheless thinks he's an auditor.
Human being in White: Okay.
[Nurses, meanwhile, are trying to restrain the patient who thinks he'south an auditor]
Businessman: You must believe me! Invest in coin markets!
Striker: Nosotros're going to accept to blow up the computer!
Elaine Dickinson: Blow ROC?
[a smiling face up appears on the computer]
Striker: Which passenger is Joe Solucci?
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: 16C. Why?
Striker: He's carrying a flop.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: A bo - ?
Striker: No, non a bo-. A flop. Now, discreetly as possible, I want you to motility the passengers, into the lounge.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: We don't have a lounge.
Striker: That's not important right now but, you got to do is go those people away from that bomb.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: Well, what should I say?
Striker: Anything. Only don't let Solucci think that we're onto him.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: I'll do my best.
Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: [Over Intercom] Attention ladies and gentlemen, please. Would everybody move to the lounge who is non carrying a bomb.
[Everyone on the airplane stands up and screams]
Begetter O'Flanagan: I'one thousand Father O'Flanagan, and I am a man of God. Therefore you lot must trust me when I tell you that nosotros're all likely going to dice.
[All of the passengers start panicking and start punching each other. A hockey referee is seen trying to separate the attacking members of his hockey team, and other passengers are repeatedly slugging the same people over and over]
Father O'Flanagan: [a montage of newspaper headlines shows upward. First is the headline from the Daily Star: "Lunar Shuttle Heads For Disaster." Followed past the headline for The Jerausalem News: "They Shouldn't Take Gone In The Beginning Place," and then lastly, the headline for The International Inquirer: "Man Has Sex Alter - Marries Self."]
Buffalo Anchorman: Our Elevation Story Tonight: Four-Alarm Fire Rages Through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the News: Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and Certain Disaster.
Tokyo Anchorman: Our Top Story Tonight: Four-Warning Fire Rages Through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the News: American Lunar Mission Locked in Decease Struggle.
[on the monitor backside him is a clip of Godzilla eating a Lunar Shuttle]
Moscow Anchorman: [with a gun being held to his head] A 4-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears mode for a glorious new tractor manufacturing plant, And, on the lighter side of the news, Hundreds of Capitalists are Soon to Perish in Shuttle Disaster.
[every bit nosotros cut to the adjacent clip, the sound of a gunshot is heard]
Tad Woman: [on a talk testify] If this canned beet was run by vegetarian women rather than flesh-eating men, this whole space disaster would never accept happened. You know right now, we're working to heighten the consciousness of the vegetarian minorities with diet sensitivity training, so that people will be able to deal with the foul...
Murdock: Stryker, you get that send down... and downward safe...
[a giant money rubber falls behind Murdock]
Murdock: ... in that location just might be a few of us who volition forget Macho Grande.
Male Passenger: [TV Version] There'south nothing to worry almost.
Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: Could you hand me your cup, please? Thanks. Be careful, it's very hot, okay.
Male person Passenger: Give thanks you, and stewardess, would yous please tell my wife, that these flights are completely safe? I hope she hears it from you.
Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: There's nothing to worry about.
[Unger's hand sticking out of the door]
Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: [Screams and drops the concluding pitcher of coffee on the female person passenger]
Female Rider: [Screams, later on Testa dropped the coffee on her]
Clarence Oveur: Anti-gravity check.
Dunn: All right.
[presses a button, which causes the crewman in the spacesuit who is listening and moving to the beat of "Automobile Wash" on his headphones to float in the air]
Dunn: Checks out in positive mode, sir.
Clarence Oveur: Check.
[the spacesuit man is however floating upside downwards]
Dunn: Checks out in negative style, sir.
Clarence Oveur: Check.
Dunn: Neutral balance seems all right, sir.
Clarence Oveur: Good, that shall practise information technology.
Dunn: Anti-gravity off, sir.
[Turns off the anti-gravity, causing the spacesuit sailor to fall to the floor]
Clarence Oveur: Hope this weather doesn't give us a trouble.
[He sticks his manus out the window to feel the temperature]
Clarence Oveur: Mr. Dunn, what's your temperature reading?
Dunn: [takes thermometer out of his mouth and reads the mercury level] Uh, 98.vi sir.
Clarence Oveur: That sounds normal.
Clarence Oveur: Well, my goodness, Scraps is a boy domestic dog, isn't he?
Jimmy: Yep.
Clarence Oveur: Jimmy, do y'all like information technology when Scraps holds onto your leg and rubs up and down?
Dr. Rock: Thought you might similar a newspaper.
Striker: Thanks...
[opens newspaper, reads headline]
Striker: My God!
Dr. Stone: What's wrong?
Striker: They're launching the XR-2300! Do you know what that is, Dr.?
Dr. Stone: The muffler bracket for a '79 Pinto?
Striker: No, that'southward the XR-2200. The 2300's the Lunar Shuttle.
Elaine Dickinson: [On P.A] Ladies and gentlemen, delight calm downward. Please heed to me! I want to tell y'all what'southward going on with the ship! Give thanks yous. We've been thrown off course just a tad.
Tad Woman: Miss? What exactly is "a tad?"
Elaine Dickinson: In infinite terms, that's about half a 1000000 miles. The bumps you feel are asteroids corking into the hull of the ship. Besides we're flight without a navigational system and tin't seem to change form.
Dr. Stone: Miss, are you telling united states absolutely everything?
Elaine Dickinson: Not exactly. We're besides out of java.
[the passengers, who stayed calm for the other disastrous proclamation, become hysterical]
Striker: Ok Murdock, I call back I got something that just might work.
Murdock: what?
Striker: A bobby pin.
Murdock: Bobby pin. What the hell'due south, a man doing with a bobby pin. Lights on
Murdock: [Turns lights on]
Murdock: All right Striker, if a bobby pin is what you got, y'all will have to practise. Just shove it in there, yous'll take to brusk that matter out.
Striker: [Shoves the bobby pin, into the broken lever compartment, and sparks]
Soldier: Those lights are blinking out of sequence.
Murdock: Make them blink in sequence.
Striker: We're not in the past anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.
[Ted climbs over the wall guarding the mental infirmary, removes his gown revealing regular clothes and throws the gown out of harm's fashion. The gown comes dorsum and covers Ted'southward head. Ted drops the gown beside him and starts to run while trying to avoid being spotted past a searchlight. Ted pauses when he encounters a lounge singer in a spotlight. The vocalist wears a tuxedo with his bow necktie untied and he holds a microphone. Information technology's Jack Jones]
Lounge Singer: [sings] ... floats back to you... Ooo, The Honey Boat... shortly volition be making another run. The Love Boat...
[Ted continues to run]
Bud Kruger: [as he and the commissioner become out of their car and enter the terminal building] Commissioner, at present we both know that shuttle needs another month of pre-launch testing.
The Commissioner: Forget it.
Bud Kruger: Commissioner.
The Commissioner: I said forget most it. The Mayflower is the first Lunar Shuttle to fly from a commercial final, and the boys on the board want that flight to proceed schedule.
Bud Kruger: Well the boys on the board know about safety...
The Commissioner: Bud, get wise to the political reality. The boys on the board are under a heavy pressure from the boys downtown.
[the elevator arrives, and the doors open. Several people exit, all of them covering their ears considering the lift music is very, *very* loud. Everyone files into the elevator and puts their hands over their ears to protect them from the music, except for Bud and the Commissioner. The doors close, silencing the music]
The Commissioner: [At the 4th floor, everyone files out, and the loud elevator music is playing a rendition of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."]
The Commissioner: [the first part of what he says is drowned out by the loud music] The boys on the board are under pressure from the boys downtown.
Bud Kruger: And I'll be the one to crucify if that shuttle screws upwards.
Steve McCroskey: Become me radio contact with that ship, pronto!
Controller #one: Yes, sir!
Controller #3: [walks over carrying some papers. He is conveying them with an oven mitt] Here's all the available information on the sun, sir. That affair is *hot*.
[McCroskey touches the hot papers and burns his hand]
Steve McCroskey: Get me Bud Kruger immediately and some water ice!
Controller #3: Yep, sir.
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs.
[Jacobs hops over]
Steve McCroskey: I desire to know absolutely everything that's happened up 'til at present.
Controller Jacobs: Well, let's see: First, the Earth cooled. Then the dinosaurs came, but they got as well big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di'due south clothes. I couldn't believe information technology.
[Jacobs turns and starts to walk away, standing to speak, trailing off as he gets further from the camera]
Controller Jacobs: He took her best summer dress out of the closet and he put it on and went to town...
Steve McCroskey: [walks over to a wall and stands next to a portrait that depicts him continuing next to a portrait that depicts him] Things sure haven't changed.
[an Asian tourist woman from Nihon hangs a roll of film onto her husband who is loaded down with multiple carry-on numberless and camera bags]
Asian Lady: Nogozo.
Asian Man: Nomor!
[the Asian man falls over from all the weight of the carry-ons]
Murdock: I desire a six-foot trench dug around the unabridged base. Fill information technology with gasoline.
Heart Charity Worker: [TV EDIT: an oil magnate from Texas, entering the airdrome, passes by a large sign reading "Back up Your Local Centre Charity". The worker speaks upward] Excuse me, sir - Would you care to make a donation for the research and prevention of heart disease?
Texan: Sure, why not?
[He hands the worker some cash]
Texan: Hither you become; nice mean solar day, at present.
[as the oil baron moves forth, the worker stares at the money he's been given]
Heart Charity Worker: My God, this is a $thousand b... bi...!
[he suffers a heart attack and collapses]
Nurse: Alibi me, ma'am. There'southward some pretty badly banged up people dorsum there. I'm gonna need some fresh sheets, gauze, Q-Tips, and all the vasoline you take on lath.
Elaine Dickinson: Ted, please.
Nurse: Right now!
Injured Man: Are yous the nurse?
Nurse: Yes, take this. The washroom's merely right down there, on the right.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083530/quotes/qt3453131
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